Out of all of the role relations I think the complementary pattern would be the most difficult to change. "One partner takes the one-up position and the other takes the one-down position" (148). When people get stuck in a pattern of one person being dominant and one person being submissive I think it would be very hard to reverse that, especially if it had been occurring for a long period of time. Imagine a child one day becoming the dominant character and a parent being the submissive. It would be practically impossible for a child to even know how to be in the one-up position. In some relationships, like a parent-child one, this role pattern is not a bad thing. That is probably why it stays that way. In spousal relationships, this pattern might not work so well and would be easier to change if the participants are willing.
In my opinion, the most relationally damaging pattern is the rigid complementarity. "When the submissive partner begins to resent always giving in or when the dominant partner begins to tire of being in charge, dissatisfaction can result" (148). I had some friends who were in a relationship who fit this pattern perfectly. The girl was the dominant one and used to deciding everything for the couple, while the guy was the submissive and was familiar with letting his girlfriend have her way. It wasn't until recently when this pattern proved fatal to their relationship. She got tired of having to "wear the pants" in the relationship and he got fed up with always letting her have her way. It may have worked okay in the beginning, but it's not a way to live forever.
I think all of the patterns can be damaging to someone's self-esteem. People need to learn to share the power in the the relationship in order to be successful. I'm sure we all know, any kind of extreme can be harmful, and that is especially true in relationships.
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Hi cgh:
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with your comments about the “rigid complementarity,” being the most relational damaging pattern. According to Sarah Trenholm,
“When the submissive partner begins to resent always giving in or when the dominant partner begins to tire of being in charge, dissatisfaction can result” (Trenholm 2008, pg. 148). I too have a girlfriend who was married to a husband that is dominating, verbally abusive and who just ruined her self-esteem. One day, she decided to get a divorce as she got fed up with his verbal abuse and said she will NOT take it any longer. Needless to say, she is now in the process of a divorce.
Hi Cgh--
ReplyDeleteI too agree with Trenholm, "One partner takes the one-up position and the other takes the one-down position" (148). I just finished watching Marley and Me and there was a scene that made me think of this particular pattern. It was when Marley was being trained and the trainer had asked which individual was the master of Marley. The lady owner of Marley was dominant and took charge and her husband knowingly stepped down because he knew that he took the "one-down position".
I watch Judge Judy a lot during my lunch hour at work and I see a lot of couples who are in abusive relationships because of one being more dominant than the other. In my opinion, all relationships need equality and without it, it's not going to be a successful one.
I think you did a really good job of breaking down this concept in a way that’s easy to understand. I think we all know someone who is in a relationship like this, but I also wonder if it's as easy to notice when you’re the one in the situation? Also, do you think it is possible to have two completely equal partners? I sometimes wonder if the couples that always fight, and are stubborn, and always want their way are actually the ones that haven't figured it out. Is it necessarily a bad thing or perhaps is it only bad in extremes?
ReplyDeleteI definitely do agree with both parts of your post. It is like one part of the relationship leads to the other. Being comfortable in your role as submissive or dominant leads to dissatisfaction after a while or rigid complementary. I think it is being able to find a common level and balance between the two in order to make sure there is maintained happiness
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